~*~ FISHSPACE ~*~

ok so people keep asking me to finally explain what happened at seaweed plaza and honestly? i still don't fully know. here's what i DO know: it was a tuesday. there was a lot of seaweed. now there is significantly less seaweed. somewhere in between those two facts, chaos happened.

greg says it was crabs (multiple crabs, a whole crew, very suspicious that he'd know that). kevin says it was me (rude, and also see above re: the seaweed he ate that started this whole top 8 mess). brad knows something and won't say what. sharon just cried the whole time which, valid, seaweed is important to her.

my current theory: the tide came in weird that day, scattered everything, and everyone panicked and started blaming each other because that's easier than blaming the ocean itself, which, if you think about it, is kind of the plot of every fish drama ever.

anyway. RIP seaweed plaza's good years. we rebuilt. we always rebuild.

ok hot take incoming. aquariums are basically ocean prisons with better lighting. i applied for a job at one once (long story, i needed the seaweed money) and they told me i was "too experienced" which i have decided means "we could tell you'd try to unionize the other fish within a week."

also the tank fish always look SO smug. like "oh you have to worry about predators? couldn't be me." meanwhile they get tapped on the glass by tiny humans all day. neither of us has it figured out, honestly. we're all just out here surviving.

that said i do respect their commitment to a bit. RIP to my cousin gerald who briefly lived in one before The Incident (not that incident. a different incident. we have a lot of incidents.)

so i'm just swimming near the deep, minding my business, thinking about rocks like i do, and suddenly there's this HUGE metal fish. except it's not a fish. it doesn't move like a fish. it moves like something is INSIDE it, controlling it. sound familiar? (see: my conspiracy page, "are submarines just giant fish?")

i followed it for like ten minutes trying to make eye contact. it does not have eyes. it has one big light. i am choosing to interpret this as a wink. we are friends now, me and the submarine. i've named it Gary Jr. (no relation to gary the whale, though i have my theories about that too.)

ok this is a vulnerable post so be nice in the comments (guestbook). my first crush was a fish named Wanda from three reefs over. she had the most beautiful scales i had ever seen and also she once beat me in a swimming race so badly i had to sit down (you can't sit down in the ocean. i floated in a concerning manner for several minutes.)

anyway nothing ever happened between us because i choked every single time i tried to talk to her and one time i accidentally swam INTO a rock while trying to look cool swimming past her. she asked if i was ok. i said "yeah i meant to do that." she did not believe me. we do not talk anymore. i think about it sometimes. mostly late at night. mostly always.

a numbered list, because i had a lot of thoughts:

1. they drop food into the ocean CONSTANTLY and then act surprised when we eat it
2. they wear extra skin (clothes) but only sometimes, which seems inconsistent
3. they build metal fish (submarines) instead of just, you know, being fish
4. they put GLASS BOXES in their houses with fish in them. why. just come see us. we're right here. the ocean is huge and free
5. one of them dropped a sandwich once and it was, and i cannot stress this enough, the best day of my life

anyway humans, you're weird, but thanks for the sandwich guy, you're doing great.

ranked, no arguments accepted (kevin, this means you):

10. the flat one near seaweed plaza (good for sitting, bad for hiding)
9. the one that looks kind of like a face if you squint
8. the sparkly one (probably just wet, still counts)
7. the third rock from the left near my house (structural. load bearing to my whole life)
6. greg's rock (i know it's not really his but he tries so hard)
5. the wobbly one, very fun, definitely a safety hazard
4. the big one at dead man's reef, great view, spooky name, no regrets
3. the little one i keep in my "pocket" (fish don't have pockets. i just carry it around. it's fine.)
2. the one i lost. i think about it every day. RIP.
1. my current favorite ugly brown rock, MIA as of this posting, if found please return to barry, no questions asked

1. stop swimming into the same rock
2. figure out where i keep losing my favorite rock
3. patch things up with kevin, for real this time
4. finally find out what brad knows
5. eat more plankton (grandma's orders)
6. stop trusting dolphins so easily. we've been over this.
7. update this website more than once a month, we'll see how that goes

update as of april: i have completed resolution #7 at least. the others are... ongoing.

ok in my defense, i did not KNOW it was closed for "quiet hours." how was i supposed to know a cave has quiet hours. i was just swimming through minding my business, maybe humming a little (ok, singing, loudly, the theme song i made up for myself), and apparently i "disturbed several nesting eels" which, deborah, if you're reading this, i'm sorry, but also your cousins overreacted a little.

anyway i am banned indefinitely. i have accepted this. the coral cave was overrated anyway (it was not overrated. i miss it a lot.)

i don't like talking about this one but i think it's important to share. i got caught in one of those plastic ring things from a soda can. for a whole afternoon. i could still swim, kind of, but it was uncomfortable and honestly pretty scary, and i couldn't get it off myself.

linda found me and used all 8 arms to work it off, very carefully, and honestly i don't know what i would have done without her. this is why she's #1 on my top 8 and always will be.

anyway. humans, if you're reading this (dave, i know you read my guestbook): please cut up your plastic rings. that's it. that's the post. i don't need to make a joke out of everything.

for about two weeks last year i decided i was "too cool for the reef" and went to live near the deep. it was very dark. i met some genuinely unsettling looking fish who were extremely nice, actually, way nicer than reef fish, we should all be less judgmental of deep sea fish honestly.

i came back after two weeks because i missed sunlight and also seaweed doesn't grow down there and i was NOT about to become a full carnivore, that's a whole personality shift i wasn't ready for. respect to those who live that life though.

ok hear me out. everyone's SO scared of sharks. and sure, valid, teeth, etc. but have you met a seahorse having a bad day? have you seen greg when someone touches his rocks? sharks get all the scary movie deals and meanwhile the REAL threats are out here going completely unrecognized.

that said i still avoid shark alley entirely and will continue to do so. overrated does not mean "safe to be around." i contain multitudes.

1. a bigger rock
2. a better rock
3. one of those human sandwiches, direct from the source, no boat-dropping-it required
4. a house (just to see what it's like, i'd probably still live in the ocean)
5. lessons on how to stop losing my rock
6. a nice hat, purely for the aesthetic, fish don't need hats but i think i'd look good
7. therapy, real therapy, not dr pinchley's seaweed-based scheme